Anonymous Post Queue

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anon-0b604

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Are there any reputable binders that zip? I’ve heard that most sites aren’t but I’d like something easier on my shoulders than the ones that pull over

anon-246a9

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When cis people define their pronouns (him/her) does it show solidarity or does it invalidate/take space away. If it does show solidarity, would the trans community prefer everyone to start defining their pronouns?

anon-15501

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I have a friend who is a lesbian trans woman
She dated a non binary person
I feel a bit puzzled by this, why would a lesbian date a non binary person?

anon-11e3e

Approved

TW – Sex, relationships, “passing”, dysphoria sexual abuse, manipulation, rejection

This is as sensitively written as I have the capacity to write, but please forgive my ill-informed errors and correct them. I need to be called out on them, and I need your raw honesty because right now I feel like a failure of a wife due to what my husband is going through.

My husband (mid-late 30s, amab) has always struggled with both his sexuality (he is now comfortable in this respect – he is pan) and gender identity (which is still very complicated because of trauma blocks). His trauma is threefold. Firstly, he was raped by an adult family member when he was a child; Secondly, when he came out as pan to his family as a teen, his family reacted very badly and his mother coerced him into only dating women (openly at least… he has had sex with non-women, but has never had a serious relationship with anyone bar women), the first thing out of her mouth when he came out was “what did I do wrong?” followed by wailing about grandkids… this was all compounded by the fact he lived at home until he moved out with me in his mid-20s, still seeing his rapist and living in a house that didn’t accept him. Lastly, he had been in denial about the rape since it happened until days after our wedding (he says the security of having a life partner let him unleash) and his parents told him they don’t believe him because they love the rapist, but that they believe “something must have happened to him” to cause his pain. Most of his already-fraught support network was gone overnight, including his siblings and wider family circle (excluding the rapist who he is obviously happy to have no more contact with). He has me and my family (my full family are in my life, which is so special to us both).

All this rejection, manipulative abuse, and trauma over the years has thrown his self-exploration out the window and built up a pattern of denial and shame, so despite the gender he was assigned at birth not feeling right to him, he just pushed it down and trucked forward into cis/het-presenting relationships, including our marriage. He secretly explored his gender as a teen, until he came out as pan and his family reacted so badly. That caused him to drop his gender exploration for the most… he says he did wear some eye makeup and female-marketed clothes and intimates to college, but never at home and only for a couple of years due to his desire to pass as cis/het for his parents. Recently, my husband has confided in me that, although he thought it was resolved when he was a teen, now that the police/court proceedings for the rape are over and he’s allowed himself to revisit his youth, he feels very confused about his gender once again.

For now, he has decided he doesn’t want to physically transition and still wishes to use he/him and husband/son/brother (I have been helping him grow his hair, buying him female-marketed clothes, painting his nails, doing skincare etc. though to validate his feelings), but I feel that he is only sticking with the status quo because he is married to a straight woman and, if he truly was honest, he’d be transitioning as I type.

I know I shouldn’t have a say in how he self-identifies (this is why I’m posting anon… I know I deserve hate for this), but I do think he isn’t being true to himself right now for my sake. Here’s my logic… He says he feels far closer to woman than man, and he admits he had happy tears as a teen when an old lady called him a gorgeous young girl by mistake once, but he downplays this when we discuss it.

He thinks he is too late in the game to label himself, says perhaps he is non-binary and transitioning wouldn’t fit, or says he could be body dysmorphic because of the rape and doesn’t want to validate self-hatred from the rape by acting on the feelings. His head is too messy to make sense of all this, but ultimately the thing he says is most pressing is that he is terrified of losing me because I’m not attracted to women.

I am very attracted to him currently but I admit that, should he decide that he is, in fact, a woman our sexual relationship would end. I believe that trans women are women — regardless of physicality, hormone use, or anything else — and I am not just not sexually attracted to femininity. That doesn’t mean our emotional relationship would, however… he would still be the same person at his core, and his personality would surely only be amplified if his gender identity issues were properly addressed.

Deep down, I really believe he is a woman but is so ashamed and terrified of rejection all over again that he is choosing staying with me over his happiness in his own body, which makes me cry myself to sleep at night. He carries huge guilt about dropping the rape bombshell right after our wedding (he need feel NONE of this as far as I’m concerned… he didn’t ask for any of this!) and then admitting he was confused about his gender, which he knows makes our marriage really complicated. I would never abandon my husband and I can totally live without sex (I have no natural sex drive) and would permit him to sleep with others to satisfy his sexual needs, but this isn’t the sort of marriage he wants or opted into.

He came out to me a few months ago now. He insists that he has thought enough about it all and wouldn’t be happy without our full relationship as-is and feels he is “too old” to transition and “pass”, and would feel more dysmorphic and traumatised if he didn’t pass. He does admit that if he was younger, if his parents hadn’t have reacted so badly to his sexuality so he felt safer to explore his gender, he would likely have opted to transition, and my heart breaks for him.

How do I unpack this? I feel like I’m the blocker to him being authentic with himself, but he insists that the value our relationship has for him far outweighs his “masculine feature” body dysphoria and everything else (he hates having a visible bulge down below, and particularly hates having balls) and says he is done exploring it and is content. Is there a way for a straight person to stay attracted to someone of the same sex with effort and time if they fell in love before transition (I don’t think so… sexuality isn’t a choice in my mind, it’s built-in). I wonder if I died tomorrow (I’m not suicidal, please don’t worry) what he would do and who he would be… I can’t help thinking he would consider his gender identity more thoroughly and would risk a “late” transition (I know it is common for folks to transition at all sorts of ages BTW… he just has a notion that younger people have better results because of earlier intervention).

I can’t make him see a therapist… he has very severe, medicated anxiety due to all this and can barely force himself to see his doctors, who know none of this, let alone a stranger. He does have some contact details just in case, given to him by the police when he reported the rape. We have trans friends but none know how he feels, but he did tell his best friends and my brother.

Sorry this is everywhere and hard to follow… there is so much really difficult context to how he is feeling, and he really is the most self-sacrificing person I know, to the point of ruining his own mental health with his people-pleasing. Always everyone else first, him last. Is this just another one of those sacrifices that fill his life?

anon-0fc30

Approved

Where do intersex folks fit in the LGBTQ+ community? Do intersex folks fall under trans if they are male or female, but not if they are non-binary? I’m really confused!

Also, what about intersex conditions where the affected parties don’t self-identify as intersex? Common with Turner Syndrome, for example? Are those women LGBTQ+ inherently?

anon-0865a

Approved

I’ve seen this discourse more than once and it honestly troubles me quite a bit. I’d like to get a wider range of opinions on the matter, if I could.

Some people propose using transmisogyny affected and transmisogyny exempt in place of amab and afab, but I feel that focusing on transmisogyny only ignores the misogyny and transphobia that afab trans and nonbinary folks often face. Afab folks are so very often talked over, invalidated, and erased, and it seems that shifting the focus to just who is and is not affected by transmisogyny erases our experiences further.

I also feel that one’s agab, while maybe not something we want to align ourselves with, has a tangible effect on our lives. Gendered socialization is something that’s done TO us, based on how we’re perceived, not how we identify, and some of the effects can take a lifetime to unlearn, trans or not.

To be clear, I’m not disagreeing that transmisogyny is a horrible thing- only that I feel it’s unbalanced and myopic to focus on only one aspect of the transgender experience like that. It feels very Oppression Olympics to me. We all face oppression because we’re trans. There’s no need to try to put ourselves against each other.

What do y’all think? I’m not interested in cis voices on this one. This is a discussion only for the trans and nonbinary community.

anon-0fb2a

Approved

amab, feel like shit and like 90% i’d call myself a transwoman. extremely scared of what to do next because I know I can’t keep ignoring these feelings but transwomen get treated so horribly in society idk if I’d feel happier or what

anon-1b294

Approved

So,  I have asked this before with no answer.  Before I was afraid to ask.

So when it comes to dating,  attraction,  and preferences,  as someone who is straight,  I am attracted to cishet men – and my attraction is based of mentality,  emotionally,  and physically (and that includes genitilia because that’s what I like in regards to sexual attraction).

Anyways,  I’m wondering,  would my personal preferences be considered transphobic?

Now I’m not saying I would never date a trans person.  Who knows,  I’m only 18.  Things can change.  But currently,  all I know for sure is I’m attracted to cishet men.

I apologize if I’m coming off transphobic.  That is not my intention.  I tried to word this as best as I could without disrespecting anyone .

anon-59150

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I’m afab nonbinary and would like to get on T and have top surgery but I literally don’t understand how US medical systems/anything works? For context, I grew up outside the US in a country without a healthcare system, and this is the first time since moving and coming out that I’ve had good insurance (I live in NYC). I’d appreciate a run-down/personal experiences/resources/anything because I’m just very overwhelmed and between anxiety, depression, and dysphoria have no clue how to get started or where to look for information. Thank y’all !

anon-1dd85

Approved

Now that there is a pandemic, I have been using the time away from people to experiment with gender expression. This is usually only something that happens for me during pride events.
I identify as male. On a usual day, some light makeup is as much as I’m comfortable with. But recently I’ve been going for more intense looks, wigs, and even some women’s clothes.
I realise that with less people around I feel safer and less threatened. I even went out in a wig and makeup and was called a beautiful man, which I deeply loved.

I have also been violently attacked due to my gender expression in the past.

I worry that when the pandemic ends I will resign myself to going back to living as I did and stay hidden in shame and fear.
How does one get the courage to be themselves, wholly, knowing they are in danger because of their expression?

anon-b09c5

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Is like being trans always this s***? I’m right at the beginning of accepting me, and it just feels awkward, frustrating, scary, upsetting, unpleasant messy, infuriating. I want to feel more happy, I mean it’s why I transitioned. To ignore being trans and get on with my life sometimes. But is this mess just going to be my life forever? Like, I really hate being me. 😢😭

anon-efbdc

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My friend recently told me that my name is their deadname, I know how distressing it can be to see/hear your deadname, so is there anything I can do to help them?

anon-ac932

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Is it possible to not know you are trans for awhile? I have a family member who was AMAB. She said she didn’t start feeling this way til high school. She is now 23. She came out at age 21. I always thought trans was something that you like knew your entire life that you were different, but didn’t have the words for it til later. But this person felt like a man her whole life til about 11th or 12th grade. At least that is what she says…and we are pretty close, and are accepting. So I don’t think she would lie about it.

anon-c6b34

Approved

Hi Everyone! I’m doing this anonymously because I’ve been struggling. This is so hard for me to think about/come to terms with. I’ve always HATED labels. So I’ve just stuck with being a cis woman. But the more I think about it- I don’t really “feel” like anything.
Ive been asking myself things like “what does it mean to be a woman to you” and I can’t come up with a single answer because I just feel like ME. I have long blonde hair and a large chest- none of that bothers me though. I always thought that you had to have some kind of dysphoria or be upset with yourself to be nb. For those who aren’t cis, how did you find yourself identifying otherwise/what did(does) your journey look like?

anon-9de93

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Ok I have a really really stupid question because my memory sucks.

How to remember someone’s dead/Facebook name. Or I guess how to remember names in general?

I have trans and nb friends who aren’t out on Facebook and I can never remember their non-chosen name when I want to tag them in something (obv not transgender related).

Is this weird? I fell like this is really weird and dumb.

anon-a6a5f

Approved

Hello everyone, I’m non binary and am still exploring my gender. I haven’t found any pronouns that make me particularly euphoric, so I’ve thought about exploring neopronouns, but I’m still unlearning some things about trand people that my parents taught me as a child. I’ve had some very conflicting feelings about it because of that. I respect everyone’s identity, and will use their pronouns, it just still gives me this kind of weird feeling that I can’t seem to shake. Has anyone been through this or does anyone have tips on how to work through this internalized transphobia? I want to do better and be better, but I’m not really sure how.

anon-47f68

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If in an ideal world, society did not link gender and sex, would gender dysphoria still be present? Is the source of dysphoria from societal expectations or from physical characteristics?

As a cis person I apologise in advance if this question sounds insensitive. The country where I am from has very little educational material on the trans community. I am trying my best to learn and hope to be a good trans ally.

anon-aa936

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Hello all! I have a question about cis people (like myself) correcting other cis people when they misgender/ deadname someone. I know in general that’s the correct thing to do, but I sometimes worry about overstepping a boundary or making a trans friend uncomfortable. For example, if someone uses the wrong name for them but they are present, is it ever appropriate to correct them in front of my friend? I have a non binary friend who prefers an altered version of their given name, and I don’t know whether I should correct people who don’t use it, when these people are closer to my friend than I am (My friend is out to everybody involved). I want my friend to be comfortable but it feels like it isn’t my place to get involved like that? The time and effort that goes into any advice or sharing of experiences is very much appreciated. 💝

anon-7fff9

Approved

I am cis intersex non binary. I have never felt like I had a word to call my genitals. Being so physically outside of the binary, words like penis and vagina feel like a a lot to live up to, and things that I can’t live up to. Although neither are inherently gendered, there is some subconscious associations to gender that make me feel dysphoric if I use those terms. This goes for words like cock or pussy too.
I am looking for some completely gender neutral terms for genitals. I am completely okay with slang or even words that sound silly.

anon-4db40

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Why don’t you let change to come naturally and organically, rather than pushing a movement like an internet cult?

 

Forcing yourselves into conversations, refusing to compromise on radical viewpoints, and challenging people to alter their own beliefs is counterproductive and serves to isolate yourselves and confirms, in the eyes of outsiders, that the transgender community is a fringe subculture that doesn’t tolerate or respect them.

 

In many outside circles, transgender acrivists are taken as seriously as flat-earthers.

anon-0619b

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Why do you consider gender a social construct when gender dysphoria is caused by biological factors such as hormone exposure during pregnancy, differences in brain development and other things which are clearly biological ?

anon-9927d

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What would you say is the biggest challenge facing the Trans community right now?

anon-29e89

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What actually are men and women, if we strip away all cultural ideas of femininity and masculinity? And without these constructs in place, how does one know their true gender identity?

anon-9ec1d

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Why are you gay?

anon-1cdb7

Approved

1. Why do lesbians get their own descriptive noun?  Gay men don’t.  They’re just gay.

2. How many genders and sexes are there?  If people are attracted sexually to more than two genders, isn’t the “B” in “LGBTQIA” hate speech since it disqualifies anything other than binary sexuality?

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